Here is a way to live a life: Generally strive to minimize the number of cases where one’s having a particular sex or gender functions as a reason for one’s actions or emotional attitudes.
An extreme version of this is not compatible with traditional Christian sexual ethics unless one is planning on celibacy. It is also not compatible with American law which requires one to correctly fill out various forms, such as census forms, that ask what one’s sex is. And it is not compatible with common-sense morality which requires one to respect things like sex- or gender-segregated bathrooms.
A moderate version of such a gender-minimizing practice, however, could be perhaps sustainable within the bounds of traditional Christian practice, American law and common-sense morality.
One might think that given the heterosexualism of traditional Christian practice, it is hard in romantic contexts to avoid basing decisions on reasons like “I’m a a man and she’s a woman.” In this post I want to explore the idea that one could instead base one’s romantic actions and attitudes on: “We are an opposite-sex pair.”
One might object: “That’s cheating. The reason why the two are an opposite-sex pair is that one is a man and the other is a woman.” But this is “reason” in a different sense of “reason” from that of reasons for actions and attitudes. That one is a man and the other is a woman is a metaphysical ground of the two being an opposite-sex pair, and it may well be one’s epistemic reason for thinking the two are an opposite-sex pair. But it need not be one’s reason for, say, asking the other out on a date—the reason for asking the other out on a date could just be “we are an opposite-sex pair”, and of course the delights of the other’s person, even if the evidence and metaphysical ground for “we are an opposite-sex pair” is the more fine-grained fact that one is a man and the other is a woman.
One could do the same thing when discerning a vocation to the priesthood. Instead of thinking “I’m a man, so I should consider the priesthood”, one might think “I am of the opposite sex to the symbolic sex of the Church (which in turn is the opposite sex to the sex of the incarnate Word), so I should consider the priesthood.”
Would formulating one’s reasons for action in such an unusual way have any benefits? I think so. “We are an opposite-sex pair” focuses one on a relation between the persons. On Trinitarian grounds, there is reason to think that relationality is central to personhood. Half of “I am a man and she is a woman” is self-focused. Better to use “we” than “I” in romantic thinking.
Moreover, we perhaps shouldn’t focus on what is morally irrelevant to a decision. Suppose two people are a good romantic match in terms of character traits, interests, etc., and one is male and the other is female. Supposing (perhaps per impossibile) that their sexes were swapped, but their character traits stayed the same, plausibly they would still be a good romantic match. That they are of the opposite sex is relevant romantically, assuming traditional Christian sexual ethics. But perhaps which one is a man and which one is a woman is not very relevant—what’s relevant is that the couple has one of each sex.
The picture in the above exploration is that the significance of men and women is largely relational: there is a relationship possible to a man and a woman that is not possible to two men or to two women. This is presumably because a man and a woman are an opposite-sex pair, or a potential mating pair, or something like that. This fact about a man and a woman is a relational fact. Granted, this relational fact is metaphysically grounded in certain biological features of the man and the woman, which features may not be themselves relational (say, the existence of body parts with a certain shape, or at least of activated genetic coding for them; though even there the teleology of the parts is relational). But even if the features are not themselves metaphysically relational, their ethical significance could still be largely relational.
Of course, in the end, the physical consummation of love in marital union will require each party to pay attention to the sexed nature of their own and the other’s bodies. That’s unavoidable. But perhaps that’s just a detail? I doubt it’s just a detail myself, but I could very well be wrong.
Another objection to the above story is that in love we focus on the specific features of the other, and in romantic love this includes sex-linked physical features. So when Juliet loves Romeo, she does not love him just as a “someone of the opposite-sex with character traits T1, ..., Tn”, but also as someone with a rich set of lovely physical features, for which it is important that he is male, as many of them would be aesthetically and biologically unfitting in a woman. Agreed! But that doesn’t mean that Juliet’s own femaleness needs to be a part of her reasons for loving Romeo. Instead, she can love him as “someone of the opposite-sex to me with character traits T1, ..., Tn, and with physical features Φ1, ..., Φm which are splendidly fitted to his maleness.” Of course that Romeo is of the opposite-sex to Juliet and that Romeo is male implies that Juliet is female, but even though it implies this, it need not be a part of her reasons for love. I do like the thought that we should minimize focus on self in other-love.
Perhaps the above story isn’t right. I don’t endorse it. It’s entirely hypothetical. I find some features of the story attractive, but my credence in the story is well below 50%. There may well be ethically significant non-relational features of being and being female. Perhaps swapping the sexes of a well-matched romantic couple might in fact change whether they are a good match.
For instance, maybe there are specifically male virtues and specifically female virtues, and then swapping sexes while keeping character the same produces someone who lacks virtues that they should have. Maybe, but I am inclined to be skeptical of this suggestion. A more moderate view would be C. S. Lewis’s, that although men and women should have the same virtues, the lack of certain virtues in a man is worse than their lack in a woman and vice versa. That has more of a chance of being right. I could imagine future scientific research telling us that the typical hormonal make-up of men tends to make some virtues easier for them and the typical hormonal make-up of women tends to make other virtues easier for them. Lacking an easier virtue seems worse than lacking a harder virtue, other things being equal. If so, then if you swapped sexes while keeping characters unchanegd, the moral evaluation could change. Perhaps Alice and Bob are respectively a decent woman and a decent man, but Alice would make a terrible woman and Bob would make a terrible man. Maybe. But if they both got worse symmetrically in this way, while keeping the same actual virtues, maybe it wouldn’t make a big difference to their romantic relationships. They’d still have the same virtues between the two of them, the same vices between the two of them, it’s just that the evaluation of these virtues and vices would be a bit different. And in any case on a story like the hormonal one, it’s not clear that the specific sexes matter except causally, as tending to produce the hormones.
My thinking on this was sparked by two things. First, for a while I’ve been exploring imagining what life would be like if we were isogamous heterothallic organisms, which of course we are not. Second, I recently attended the defense of a very interesting dissertation arguing among other things that it is compatible with Catholic orthodoxy to hold that gender (though not biological sex) distinctions are a major result of original sin.
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